The Day of Thunder

[Ryoshun Yukara]

Having managed to eat a bland but filling dinner, Yukara took herself to the river to meditate. She was confused by her own... acceptance... of her injury. Confused by the way people reacted to her... by events generally.

Seeking peace of mind, or at least clarity of mind, she settled down by the river to meditate. The water drew up miserable memories, yet they were familiar to her, like anchors in a storm. The discomfort she felt near the running water was ever-present, but it did at least take away the numb feeling she had been experiencing, freeing her to wrestle with her thoughts.

[Jiyo Sora]

Sora had heard, of course. A young samurai maimed in the course of fighting off monsters.

In other words, a hero.

So he had come looking for the one-winged Bat.

Catching sight of her, Sora felt an unaccustomed twisting sensation in his gut.

She couldn't have been much older than Shirayuki or Phi, and he found it hard to put his elder daughters out of his mind.

But having learned a thing or two in the twenty-five years since, he didn't hide or skulk off.

Instead he approached and quietly had a seat a short distance away, trying his own meditation.

And as usual, he was still pretty bad at it.

[Ryoshun Yukara]

Yukara eventually gave up, her mind refusing to still - she did not feel much, but unfortunately that included not feeling any sort of serenity or emptiness.

In this case, the absence was itself a strongly felt thing.

Having surrendered the fight for inner peace, she cast her gaze about, looking first at the river, and then at the man who had settled down nearby. She hadn't heard him approach - so distracted had she been.

After a long pause, she realized he too was having no success, and offered, "Good evening, Jiyo Sora, Resi.... -sama." She was attempting to learn her manners. Her husky alto voice was surprisingly steady and calm for someone whose world had been upended just that morning. Perhaps it was denial, perhaps she simply carried an unflappable temperament.

[Jiyo Sora]

"It has its moment, Ryoshun-san."

He tilted his head as he looked at her.

"You've been through a lot. And that was before coming here, unless I miss my guess."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

Yukara considered that, expression somber. "Yes, I suppose I have. It is hard to compare, as it is all I have known, but it has been quite overwhelming of late."

She took a steadying breath, resting her arm on her knee, sitting cross-legged. "What was your hint? I did not exactly scream my story from the rooftops."

[Jiyo Sora]

"Nobody who hasn't been through a hell of a lot would have hurled herself headlong at a pack of monsters with absolutely no regard for her own safety."

He looked out at the river.

"And this place clearly agitates you, so it's as if you're visiting an old pain to make peace with a new one."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

"Oh. You noticed."

Yukara sighed. "I do not feel comfortable near... living... water. Rivers. Floods. I have heard of the ocean and it horrifies me. I had a difficult experience with a river. I survived it, but I have never forgotten it."

Hugging her arm across her chest, hand resting on her neck, she continued, "As for hunting the pack of monsters... I had sought them for years. I was eager for the end of a chase that was long running, even if I am now unsure where I go next. It had to be done. She could not be allowed to prey upon the innocent any longer."

Looking at Sora, she furrowed her brow, "You have done dangerous things as well, because you felt they required doing. Surely you understand that."

[Jiyo Sora]

"Doesn't mean I hadn't been through a hell of a lot before I did them. Of course, the question is, what happens after. I was lucky- after my big heroic stunt, I had a monumental task I set for myself to follow up. Which I only knew I wanted to do while on my way to rescue Hisomu, so..."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

"I am not certain I know what you mean."

She didn't sound upset, merely curious.

[Jiyo Sora]

"If you're worrying abut what happens next... you're young yet."

He chuckled.

"So young. I was about your age when I learned to read. You might think you knew what your goal in life is, your purpose, but I promise you, those things change. Twenty-five years ago, I was a Hikaru warrior as blisteringly angry as I was illiterate. Twenty years ago, I was a barely-literate Imperial samurai tasked with the protection of the Emperor's children and convinced I would die alone. Fifteen years ago, so probably about the time you were a serious sort of small child, I was going from one end of the Empire to another making sure the Libraries were coming along, collecting materials, all while worrying about my two year old girls at home with my wife."

He nodded to her.

"This change is a harsh one, but I can tell you one thing about someone who charges a pack of monsters with nothing but bravery and a big stick because it's the right thing to do... they aren't easily stopped by harsh changes."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

She nodded along, remaining quiet. "You are correct. And many have told me I have much yet to do. Yet none can say what that is."

There was no... anger... in her voice. Rather bitterness, a certain frustration, or perhaps disbelief. It was well hidden, but it was there.

"Just as we are told all wounds heal - yet you and I both know that is not true. Some wounds remain. Some memories do not fade. Some nightmares come back every night like an old friend, even when we wish they would leave us."

Her expression was hard, and her eyes blazed at the river. "Some of us remember, night after night, our first time feeling helpless. Our first time realizing as a woman what might be desired of us. Of terror, and rushing water, and our first life taken, even by accident. We try to forget, but we cannot."

Taking a slow, steadying breath, she looked back at Jiyo Sora. "I do not wish to court sympathy, do not wish to be a burden. What this gathering is intended to do is important, in a way I am not. Yet I still chafe at my weakness. My imperfection. My inability to let go, to forget, or to overcome the foolish fear I have felt for five years."

Her eyes were bright, and it was not just the cat's eye reflection, but tears that she fought to hold back. "Jiyo Sora-sama, I do not know how to heal, any more than I know how to forget, any more than I know how to proceed. I am as lost as a drunk on a moonless night, and my wisdom feels as empty as this damned sleeve, which invites a draft and reminds me of the lack I feel."

[Jiyo Sora]

"Take it from one whose hands were bloody by the time he'd seen thirteen winters, and who took that life in purpose for no better reason than the poor bastard was on the wrong side of a river a lot like this one... it's good that it bothers you. It means you're human."

He sighed.

"I'm not your father, Ryoshun-san, but as a father, let me reassure you, this whole business isn't about who's important. Because we all are. If we leave each other in pain, if we walk past, what's the point? You need not court sympathy, because I try to give it freely. And you are no burden."

He paused, looking for the words. He failed, but found some adjacent to what he was trying to get at.

"I follow Shiba for his humanity. And he'd have something warm and wise to tell you. Or he'd know just what to do without saying anything to lift your burden, if only for a moment. But he's not here, so I'll have to do. Did you hear my story about how those who went to rescue Hisomu were chosen?"

[Ryoshun Yukara]

"I cannot recall." It was an honest answer. Not meant to sound as harsh as it perhaps did. With a wet sniff, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve, clumsily smearing the tears across her face.

"I find my thoughts scattered today, despite my best efforts. This river has served as reminder that slaying a demon did not make me any less scared of something which categorically cannot hurt me." She laughed, weakly, wincing at the pain of the motion.

"So tell me the story. Maybe it will do what nothing else has, and free me from my own churning thoughts. Maybe it will show me how I am able to proceed and render aid, rather than be a body incapable of utilizing the one skill I have honed, the one duty I have achieved... I have been a blade because I was made into one from adolescence. First by a teacher who wished to protect me, then by a man who thought I might offer a pleasurable conclusion to a night of violence, then by the woman who led his gang in terrorizing a dozen hamlets of innocent souls. I do not know how to be aught else - if you can tell me, please..."

She maintained her composure by force of will, holding together what remained of her dignity, and concluded, "I want you all to be correct. I want to find the path to the future, but I cannot see it. These demon's eyes cannot see the path ahead any longer."

The quiet, miserable truth.

[Jiyo Sora]

"I've got one of those, you know."

He smiled at her.

"I think a matched set actually looks better. But thank you for giving me a chance to do something all old people love doing... talking about when we were young."

He took a breath.

"So. Many of us went south to help rescue Hisomu. We had Lady Shinjo and Hantei, we had Lady Reiko, Lady Saruko, Nanzi, we had the Nezumi now known as White Moonrise but who went by Black Moonset back then, we had the shugenja Kyosei of the Isawa, we had heroes of every shape and size. Taochusu, a giant of a man from a tribe that had been wiped out except for him, Old Mana Yamadono, who had been born to the Noriaki and served with the Spider."

He chuckled.

"Point is, in that company? I was a samurai of the Imperial Families, sure, and I'd been guarding Shiba's daughters for the previous few years. There were better warriors, almost everyone was smarter than I was, and to find someone less spiritually attuned would have taken some effort. But in the end, I was one of the four chosen to accompany Hantei in Hisomu's rescue. And none of us were chosen for what we could do, what we knew, or how many monsters we'd slain. We were sent because of who we were. Yamadono's love of his family, BLack Moonset's capacity to look past his rage and forgive, Seppun Dawei's generous soul, and my desire for truth."

A pause.

"In these spiritual matters, it's who you are, at the core, that matters, not anything else. And I would say you, for all of your fears, all of your regrets? You're more likely to be useful than many of us in this business."

He tapped his sternum.

"In here, Ryoshun-san, in here, you are ten times the person I was when I was entrusted with the rescue of a Kami."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

She listened, hanging on his words as if one of them might offer some singular insight, some purpose beyond purpose.

Instead it was a simple truth. So often it came back to simple truths.

In the darkness, she hid her expression behind her sleeve, letting the tears run for a moment, fighting for her control. Finally, she gave a wet, somewhat gross sniff, and whispered, "That is kind."

Leaning back, she flopped onto the earth, letting her bleary eyes gaze up at the stars, and murmured, "I still do not understand what role I am to play, but if there is one, I will do it. You have all been kind to a girl who knew so much cruelty. You have shown a world full of wonders to a child who only knew cold hills, stone, and blood."

Her voice had that miserable shaky quality of one fighting against being overwhelmed by their emotions, and she said, softly, "I do not truly remember my Father. I hope... I hope he was kind as you are, Jiyo Sora-sama. I hope his soul rests easy, and my Mother's, wherever they have gone. I hope... I have made them proud."

There was a strange pain in her chest, and she realized it was her heart. It was strange, she had done nothing to hurt it, yet it ached, as it had not done for years.

[Jiyo Sora]

Sora's tone was matter of fact, level, and gentle.

"If I were your father, I would be proud. So I think your parents would be too."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

Such a simple thing to say seemed to finally break the dam, and Yukara lay her arm over her eyes, quietly sobbing as emotion poured out. Pain. Joy. Fear. Uncertainty... it all became a jumbled torrent that seemed to crash over her at once, leaving her to simply sob quietly for a long moment, before eventually suffering the indignity of a sneeze that seemed to shock her back to her senses, at least a little. It was painful enough to draw out a tiny 'ow' afterwards.

Pushing herself back up, she said, softly, "I appreciate your story. I am just... a little overwhelmed." Understatement of the week, at least. "I did not realize how much I had been carrying. I do not know how long it will take me to... balance it all back out. Thank you, still... for listening. For understanding."

She tried to brush her hair out of her face, getting slightly annoyed at how it stuck to the damp skin, the small distraction serving as a momentary break from emotion, a triviality to distract and buy time to recover her poise.

[Jiyo Sora]

"It's the least I can do. As I said at that first meeting, I swore to defend Shiba's children. And that includes you, from where I sit."

[Ryoshun Yukara]

With another wet sniffle, Yukara tried to regain her composure, finally managing to sweep her hair back one-handed, and gave a heartfelt sigh. She struggled for words for a long moment, expression clouded, trying to sort out her thoughts.

She still didn't see the path, but she felt at least a little less tormented by that, and so she finally just said, softly, "Does it ever get easier? Not knowing where to go next, or what to do?"

[Jiyo Sora]

"Hell no!"

He actually laughed.

"But you get more used to the pain, I guess. Or you end up like me, and get so concerned with your spouse, your family, and your job that you just don't think about it as much."